When with friends I go to mall
To enjoy a nice stroll
Because it seems we are to fall
From a height that is so tall.
There are times I want to roll
Instead of bounce like a ball;
It's good to stay at Mabini Hall,
But there's no other like above the WALL.
A professor's criticisms:
In General:
1. The attempt to rhyme is commendable, as this shows the expanse of your vocabulary.
2. The rhyme however has had an effect on the actual essence of the poem, making it a bit superficial.
3. The simplicity of the poem combined with the rhyme makes it very catchy, but maybe with a proper meter (since you chose the structure of a rhyming poem) would help with the aesthetic of the poem through rhythm.
Line by Line:
Line 3 seems to assume that it supports lines 1 and 2 because of the conjunction "Because", but it is unclear what falling from a tall(sic) height has to do with going to mall to enjoy a nice stroll.
Line 6: Does not a ball roll as well?
Line 8: Again, it is unclear as to "no other" what? It seems that just to be able to rhyme, basic sentence construction is sacrificed, and eventually the logic of the line.
Overall, this is understandably a good "entry level" attempt at poetry, but you could still elevate that from good to great. Your images are simple but easily relateable, though bordering on cliche, which we want to avoid like the plague.
Poetic License is not an as-is excuse to break basic rules. we must know why we're breaking them, thats why we have seminars and workshops. Once we fully understand how and why we break these rules of lit, we can better express to the public the poems we create.
Good, good :)
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Criticisms noted. :))
